4. THE MATCH

What utter chaos.
So this is it. We just put the names of these programs, these cities all across America in an order, and just pray that we get one of our top choices. So many things bumbling about in my brain. Way too many factors - how do I weigh them?!? Last night I went to dinner w/ Zsi to figure it out - Chuy's of course - I bet if she had never progressed to solid food she would still be eating the same identical jar of baby food to this day, day after day, month after month, decade after decade... I am equally sure that when I'm ninety I will be still be sitting across the table from Zsila at some Chuy's in the sky, staring at those crazy Mexican fish on the ceiling as I wait for her to pop her teeth back in her mouth so we can start eating the same mexicob salad we have every time we go there. You see - it really doesn't matter what you order there - it all has the same, bland homogeneous texture, color, and "flavor." But - I do like their tortillas. Anyways, back to the match - so I finally, after having about 10 rank lists (the problem, I realized, is not so much that I can't figure out which one I like the most as it is figuring out which one I hate the least) came up with a definitive list. I also had to have a conference call with the fam, Amanda played secretary, mom attempted the role of secretary but got fired after 30 seconds and 'manda resumed her post, - I gave her an E for effort as Dad proceeded to spout out words of wisdom, and Dustin just made wise cracks in the background (thanks dust,'preciate it). My first choice is plastics in Richmond, Virginia. Even last year for some crazy reason my heart was in Richmond, at MCV. No real reason, I don't know why I chose there - let's hope it's fate...
Now if I opened my envelope on match day and it said Richmond, I CANNOT tell you how thankful I will be. Wow, that will be a - w - e, s - o - m - e, sing it with me now!
I was just staring at that list. I talked to one of my friends who is a plastics fellow tonight. He said he thinks he was clinically depressed during his general surgery years. That was before the 80 hour work week (not that programs actually follow that law, but at least it's not as horrible as it used to be). He said he just lived in fear, they could just be having a bad day, or maybe their cat died or something and they could fire you, or at least threaten to fire you for no good reason. He said he remembers spending countless nights at the bar, just talking to the bartender, and thinking how all of his other 20 - something friends were living life, and he was a slave at the hospital. And those wonderful people who say doctor's make too much money - those people have approximately two and a half brain cells. All this to say that I'm glad I talked to him because I think it helped tip me towards what I wanted to do anyways - rank the programs in order of where I think I'll be happiest (even as I right this I feel a twinge of guilt, am I sadistic or what?) instead of where I might have a *possiblity* of having better chances at reaching my ultimate career goals (ranking places w/ plastics fellowships regardless of whether I would hate my life there or not...) I have faith that God will work it all out in the end, he is in total control, not me anyways. I just need to chill.
It will be fine. I'm actually getting a little excited about where I am going to be. I do need to work on my attitude though - about starting my intern year - it is positively terrifying. One day at a time.
Alright, well it is 10:30pm guess I should go find that case I need to look over for neuro tomorrow - ugh, 4-5 more days (I hope I don't have to work Sunday too, I mean it is the day before the test - we'll see).
Nighty night!